I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.