WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Become ungovernable.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”