You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
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Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*