*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
You Might Also Like
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
For anyone who needs this today
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”