Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
You Might Also Like
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.