Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
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ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.