My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”