I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
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Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????