me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
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Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
How to draw a duck
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today