I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Blew my mind.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Worst bar ever.