Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
He’s dead
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
he chose this
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*