Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…