Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
i spent way too long on this
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.