the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
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You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[canadians at you, canadianly]
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.