My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
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[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story