funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
the simulation is moving too fast
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.