[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
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“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
So sick of all these stupid rules
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company