You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
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unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime