ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
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FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
LA today:
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues