Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner