Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
We all have our pet causes.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*