On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
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If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Smells like a challenge to me
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun