Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
You Might Also Like
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I love art.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit