Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn