I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Me buying fruit and veg
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.