Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
You Might Also Like
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
*Seductively hides in the woods
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it