person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
fixed it
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this