So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
You Might Also Like
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house