“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
You Might Also Like
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.