In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
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him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*