Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you