Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
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I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball