When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Good morning
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.