For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
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Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what