[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
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Foo fighters still fighting foo.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.