ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
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this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.