“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
this is the news I live for
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf