Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
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My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
the dark web is just a goth google.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced