My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.