teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
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r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise