I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Trumpy Cat
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..