[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.