The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
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I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
#JohnTravolta
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.