I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
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I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
We’ve come full circle
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
no such thing as a dumb question
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
the rocks need my help
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people