The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
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if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
How about daylight saves us for once