Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
this is the news I live for
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.