Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
You Might Also Like
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend