Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
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I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that