[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.