Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time